fuzzytopia

 

Visitor's Guide

Page history last edited by FuzzyDave 3 yrs ago

Visitor's Guide To The Grande Duchy of Fuzzytopia

 


Vital Statistics

Area

The Grande Duchy of Fuzzytopia is a Happy Place covering an area of several hectares. We're not certain how much a hectare is, but we're pretty sure we've got a lot of them.

Official Thingies

  • Animal:

Relax Bear

  • Drink: Mojito
  • Breakfast: Pannycakes
  • Elevenses:
  • Lunch:
  • Supper: Strogies
  • Motto: "Seni e Bellezza, Birra e Bistecca"

Currency

The base currency of the Grande Duchy of Fuzzytopia is the Ducket.

The smallest form of currency is the Florin. The highest is the Flopsy.

Here is a breakdown of the various demoninations of Fuzzytopian legal tender:

 

  • Florin
  • Beagle = 12 Florins
  • Ducket = 5 Beagles or 60 Florins
  • Crown = 62 Florins
  • Flopsy = 60 Duckets

 

History

Founding & Early Years

Fuzzytopia was founded in early 1581 by noted explorer* Archduke** Giorgio Giacomo Fuzzitelli (see left) after an extended sea voyage. Although Archduke Fuzzitelli was initially seeking a refuge in which to 'lie low' for a few months, he found in the secluded region an idyllic paradise.

 

Seeing the natural beauty and bountiful natural resources of the countryside (see right), Archduke Fuzzitelli immediately grasped upon the concept of 'Fuzzitopya', a refuge from the harsh and crass realities of life, where the articulate and elegant could enjoy each other's company and exchange sophisticated bon mots. Upon sobering up, however, he decided instead to exploit the mineral rights of the region. Unfortunately, he found to his dismay that he had already mailed out invitations.

 

Fuzzitelli's first attempt at creating a wikipedia

in 1603 was an unmitigated disaster.

Scholars speculate the use of zombies as interns

may have contributed to the project's failure.

 

Archduke Fuzzitelli reigned in Fuzzitopya for the next 36 years. Upon his death, Archduke Fuzzitelli II assumed the seat of power. Unfortunately, his excessive eating, drinking and licentious behavior scandalized the citizenry to such an extent that he was removed from power via the expedient of beheading within six months.

 

Fuzzitelli II was promptly succeeded by Dave the First, proprietor of a popular sausage shop and part-time theatre critic. Duke Dave was the first in a long line of powerless figureheads that have graced the Ducal Palace of Fuzzytopia until the present day. In 1765 the reigning Duke adopted the formal name FuzzyDave as part of an effort to legitimize his grasp on power in 'Fuzzytopea', as it was then known.

 

Fuzzytopia was only tangentially involved in the American Revolution, providing a single squad of military barbers to assist the mercenary Hessians employed by the British. Even when conflict threatened the borders of Fuzzytopia itself, the largest impact was typically felt by local flag suppliers, who began producing white flags and flags of whatever army happened to be nearest at astonishing rates. In every other respect, life in Fuzzytopia remained unchanged -- with a few exceptions.

 

A Few Exceptions

In the early years of the 20th Century, Fuzzytopia experienced two major calamities: The Very Important Snake Misunderstanding of 1903 and The Great Space Onley Invasion of 1907.

 

The Very Important Snake Misunderstanding of 1903

In the spring of 1903 virtually every victrola in Fuzzytopia was playing the novelty hit "Puff Adder Polka," by Stumpy Pete & the Kalamazoo Hissers.

 

Sadly, there was another fad sweeping the land: Doctor Darkstar's Kahlua & Laudenum Spritzers. The combination of the Good Doctor's refreshing opiate beverage with the infectuous polka beat led many Fuzzytopians to actually try dancing with snakes.

 

Faced with a Public Stupidity Crisis of NASCAR proportions, FuzzyDave the Perturbed had no choice but to act -- swiftly and decisively. Unfortunately, FuzzyDave the Perturbed chose another course, which can be summed up by his infamous quote, "Meh. Thinning the Herd. Thinning the Herd..."

 

Fortunately, Fuzzytopia's Sergeant-At-Arms, Botticelli Von Steambeagle piddled into action, ordering the printing of tens of posters warning citizens of the dangers of Snake-Dancing. He also called out his personal company of shock troops, The Bully Boys to crash snake polka parties and smek the dancers upside the head, usually coupled with the admonishment, "Da Hell you thinkin?"

 

By May, the crisis was over. Historians agree the demise of the Snake Polka was mostly due to the fire that burned down Doctor Darkstar's bottling plant and the ensuing sobriety that led citizens to realize what a ghey dance the polka is.

 

Still, Botticelli Von Steambeagle still took credit.

 

The Great Space Onley Invasion of 1907

They came for the strogies.

 

For centuries, The Grande Duchy of Fuzzytopia had been reknown for having the bestest beef stroganoff on the planet -- an honor that still holds true to this day.

 

But in 1907, strange creatures from a distant world invaded Fuzzytopia -- obviously, as every non-Fuzzytopian scholar will attest NOT for strogies, but to begin their push for Global Domination and obliteration of all "Meatsaekicans" (the Space Onley term for humans). But so thick was the Fuzzytopian Pride, they all believed the creepy alien invaders had come to eat the citizenry out of "strogy and stall."

 

Immediately Botticelli Von Steambeagle mobilized the Bully Boys -- to nearby Fenwick for backup sour cream.

 

With Fuzzytopia's only fighting force out of the country on a Critical Dairy Run, FuzzyDave the Perturbed had to take drastic homeland security measures.

 

He conscripted every post-menopausal woman in the duchy and launched a propaganda campaign that would lead to the greatest military victory in Fuzzytopian history.

 

With the keen use of posters and staged fights between old women and circus strongmen, FuzzyDave the Perturbed had the Space Onleys believing the old women were martial arts masters and cold-blooded killers. The aliens, terrified by the sight of grandmothers scissor-kicking strapping muscular brutes in the throat, fled the duchy, vowing someday to return with battle biddies of their own.

 

Modern Era

Largely ignored, and happy about it, Fuzzytopia did not occupy a position of note on the international stage until President John F. Kennedy visited the Duchy in 1963. His famous "I am a Fuzzytopiary" speech triggered an immediate demand for Fuzzytopian tchochkes in American gift shops, and the silk flower and stuffed chihuahua factories of Fuzzytopia were nearly unable to keep up with demand.

 

With the advent of the Internet, and the concomitant increase of extraterritorial gambling websites, present-day Fuzzytopia is second to only the Cayman Islands in web-generated income, accounting for perhaps 80% of the Gross Domestic Product. The remaining 20% is largely generated by the sale of strogies and beer, and the fleecing of the occasional tourist.

 

*Some historians suggest that Archduke Fuzzitelli was not an explorer per se, while others point to his many explorations of bedrooms belonging to other men's wives as justification for this appellation.

**Historical documents indicate that the title of Archduke was not strictly an inherited one, and may possibly have been won in a round of three-handed canasta.

 

Citizenry

Boroughs

Places of Interest

  • Fuzzytorium - 3000-seat lively arts venue
  • Teh Beagledome - 100,000 seat stadium located in the Borough of Beaglopolis
  • The PAgent Complex - A sprawling and labrynthine set of interconnected office buildings dedicated to the High Arts of Administrivia, Obfuscation, and all manner of Red Tape
  • Ducal Palace

 

Multimedia

The Fuzzytopian Adventure, Part One

A film for schools focusing on Giorgio Fuzzitelli's voyage to The New World.

 

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